Parents Of Suicide
Writings Library

Susan Singleton
April 11, 2000

In Feb. 1998 Misha and her children moved in with Jeff & I again. This had happened before. Shawn wasn't working again; she had no money and had been evicted from her home. She told us that this time she was leaving him for good. As I look back now I see the signs of depression. Some days she wouldn't even get dressed. I'd ask her why and she would say " I'm not going anywhere, why get dressed". One night we came home and she had cut all her long hair off. It was jagged and uneven. She said she wanted to be different. I now know these were signs.

It was May 20th, 1998. I got up to get ready for school. Jeff was at work. I remember her and the kids getting up. She was playing with Kessa. She kept saying "Give Mommy a kiss". Kessa would run away and say "No". As I left the house she said to me "Have a good day at school Mom". My daughters last words to me. The rest is as I have pieced together.

In the afternoon she drove to a town about a half hour from here and took her best friend a rose and told her she loved her. About 4pm she went to her brothers, Jason. She stayed and had supper with him and his kids. They did dishes together and laughed and had a good time. She then, we think came home and got all the kids clothes and the porta-crib and left again. She drove to Peru where Shawn was living with his brother. The next is according to him. He says she brought the kids in. She kept going out to the car and bringing sacks in. The last time she went out she drove away. He says she didn't say anything.

I came home about 10pm. Jeff was still gone. He was umpiring baseball. I didn't think it unusual that she wasn't home because she often would go to her girlfriends with the kids and stay late. Jeff and I went to bed about 11pm. At about 12:10 we woke up to a very loud knocking on the door. Jeff got up to answer. I came around the corner and seen a cop standing there in my dining room. My first thought was, “Oh god what has Josh done now?” Josh is my other son.

He told me I needed to sit down. I told him I didn't want to sit down. He told us that Misha had shot herself. I told him there had to be a mistake. He said no, no mistake. He then said, she didn't make it. My life changed at that moment. I felt like I was going to die. The cop kept trying to get me to sit down. I couldn't. My mind was trying to comprehend this. Trying to find some way to make it untrue. I kept asking him where my babies were, (Her kids). He wanted to go to her room and look for a note. I took him there but nothing was just laying out.

Jeff called Jason and told him we needed him right now. We couldn't tell him on the phone. When we told him it was as if someone punched him in the gut. He fell on the couch and I grabbed him and we just sobbed. We then went to tell Joshua. He screamed. We all then drove to the Peru State Police Post to get all the details. I kept telling them I needed to see her. I needed to make it real. Somewhere inside of me I still kept thinking it was a mistake. They told me I would have to wait until she went to the funeral home.

They then told us the story. We learned later that she had called her friend who she had taken the rose to earlier in the day. She told her she loved her and to take care of her kids. Angie said to her, where are you? Let me come and get you. She knew something wasn't right. Misha hung up on her. She drove to beautiful pavilion overlooking a manmade lake. Trees everywhere. She had pictures of her kids, her husband, her friend Angie, and her niece and nephew. She also had a bottle of hot damn half full. She put the gun to her temple and ended her life.

When we returned home I went back upstairs to look for a note. The very first drawer I looked in I found it. It didn't really tell us why. Just how much she loved us. She said she wished she could have been a better daughter one we could have been proud of. God, we were always proud of her. She said even the joy her children brought into her life was not enough to make her want to live. She had written a line or two to each of her brothers, her grandpa, and several friends. She had left a note to Shawn in with the kids’ clothes but, I never got to read it.

My life changed that night. I lost a big piece of my heart. I not only lost my daughter but, my best friend. The next morning we went to the funeral home to make arrangements. They let us see her. Jason took one look and ran out screaming. Joshua, Jeff and I stood there looking at her, crying and knowing that now this was very real. The light in all our lives was gone.

I don't regret seeing her. I had too. To make it real in my heart. I still can't say goodbye to her. I know she's gone, and she's not coming back but, I'm not ready to let go. I don't know if I ever will be.........

At her funeral their were so many people that some had to stay outside. I was so overwhelmed. We made a picture board and had her huge senior picture displayed. We had My Heart Will Go On played along with Hero and One Sweet Day. Two of her friends got up and talked about her. And then Jason talked about his sister. It was so hard for him. He was crying so hard but, never missed a beat. Listening to him broke my heart again. As he spoke of her protectiveness of him and Joshua, her beating up their friends when she thought they done him & Josh wrong. His love for her. The days of playing football with the whole neighborhood and her the only girl playing. Joshua got up then. He had planned to sing Tears In Heaven for his sister. He has such a beautiful voice. He wasn't able to do it though. He just stood with the preacher while it played and sobbed.

When it was time to close the casket and take her to the cemetery Jason couldn't pull himself away. He fell to the floor and we had to let him have this time. Four men had to help my big, strong son outside. It felt like my whole family was falling apart. And I guess we were. We are surviving somehow one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time......................................

In Memory of my Beautiful Angel in Heaven
Misha Linn Singleton-Monce
2/24/74 - 5/20/98
I love you and miss you every minute of every day,

Written by Susan Singleton 4/11/2000